Let’s Just Pause for a Moment

So let’s just pause for a moment whilst I try to help you understand a little better where I’m coming from.

From the time I was born again and marvellously filled with the Spirit of God I was a good little Christian that followed the prescribed paths of development through my church. I threw myself wholeheartedly into serving whenever and wherever I could because I was so grateful to God for saving me – to me it seemed like the very least I could offer back to him.

I voraciously consumed the Word and believed it implicitly and without question. I took advantage of any teaching available and absorbed as much as I could. I eagerly sought revelation and rejoiced in any that God provided. I began to grasp what my spiritual gifts and callings were. I discovered that I was pre-programmed to be protective of the body of Christ and to that end I was equipped with an ability to see things most others did not.

Life seemed to be going well, but it unsettled me to find that the more I learned, the more difficult it was to reconcile what I read in the Word with what I heard and saw happening in church. I reasoned that the Word of God is infallible, so the problem couldn’t be there. I therefore began… *pause for swell of dramatic music indicating imminent danger*…. to question.

When I saw the threat of trouble coming to my church in the form of a spiritual principality, I did what I had been taught by my church to do. I told my pastor. That was my first mistake, because in doing so I actually ran ahead of God. In my naivety and immaturity, it did not occur to me that my protective warning was basically forcing my pastor to look at something he may not have been ready or wanting to see. I had thought he would understand my concerns and it would matter to him as much as it did to me. I was apparently mistaken.

Things pretty much went downhill for me from that point. Over a period of months, and through several different avenues, things changed for me at church. Without necessarily meaning to, I must have been challenging the leaders. Because I was the one to make the leaders see the problem, I was instead made to BE the problem so they didn’t have to have one. I tried to put things right by meeting with them, but their response was the polar opposite of what they had been preaching and teaching from the pulpit. As a spiritual infant, I had inherently trusted those I had been taught had authority over me, and I presumed that as good Christians they would want a resolution to any differences too. I was wrong again.

I think I had become a burr under their saddle and they just wanted to ease their discomfort. They used their position in our private meetings to sow doubt and discouragement into me by letting me think that there was something wrong with me. And sadly, the question of accountability only seemed to go one way. There was little support from home, so this very subtle but very personal attack made me question my own worth as a Christian. By the end of all those meetings, I was even questioning my own inherent value & worth as a person. It was a very hurtful time that shut me up for a while, but it wasn’t enough to destroy me.

And then things deteriorated further.

A few weeks after the meetings with the pastor had ceased, the church wanted to completely change it’s constitution rather than just make amendments to the current document. I dutifully read through both documents, and spiritually perceived the proposed document as dangerous, and one that would impose greater controls over the congregation whilst giving greater advantages to its leaders. I’d felt an urging from the Spirit to stand up at the subsequent AGM of the church and respectfully ask the people to vote against the document even though I knew they would choose to accept it. My objection further displeased my leaders. The pastor and his wife were personally charismatic, and took advantage of their popularity to make it appear as though my objection was personal, thus bringing my loyalty into question. The focus was manipulated to be on me having issues rather than addressing the actual issues I raised so that people would dismiss what I said. And they did.

Even though the leaders got what they wanted, my objections had sounded the death knell for me in that place. After the AGM, my previously impeccable reputation was attacked and destroyed, even going so far as to infer I was actually sent by the devil. My best friend betrayed then abandoned me to protect her own reputation whilst also making herself appear as a victim. Within 3 months my membership had been officially revoked. I had lost faith in the leaders because they failed to practice what they preached. And then I lost almost all of my church family because they were afraid to even associate with me in case they would be subject to the same treatment they had seen applied to me.

Still unsupported at home, in deep emotional pain and reeling from all these blows, I felt very alone. All that I had believed in and held dear had been swept away from me in one stroke, and I was left bereft. As the basis of my identity as a Christian back then was intrinsically associated with church, not only had I lost my church family, it felt like I lost myself.

I felt like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole – freefalling and seeing absolutely nothing to take hold of that might make me feel secure. And I kept tumbling until I took hold of a single thought – that God is faithful. Emotionally I did not feel like God was faithful, but I reasoned that my feelings were not an accurate measure. I therefore made the decision to believe that the Word was true and that God is faithful, whether I felt like it or not.

I held to that one thought as God then began to strip down my belief system the way a mechanic strips down an engine. Everything I believed and had been taught in church was examined against the Word. Some parts were kept, some refined, and others thrown away. The entire process changed my life because it helped me to know for myself why I believe what I believe. Through that process, God built a strong foundation for my faith that is unshakeable.

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Becoming a believer and disciple of Jesus Christ opens us to a whole new way of thinking and being and doing. To build the new frame of reference we need to live this new life, it must be God and His love and His Word that are the greatest influence upon us, not our church. Why suspend our natural capacity for examining and questioning what we are told by others just because we have now begun learning about and growing in the supernatural? The Spirit of God, the Word of God and the love of God are the most reliable and incorruptible references and standards available to us in this process of renewing our minds.

The simple fact is that as children, our attitudes and behaviour will mimic those of the adults in our lives. It’s little different when we are spiritual children. By observing those around us in the faith, we learn the basic rules about how to be acceptable as a Christian in fellowship. We then emulate the attitudes and behaviours we have observed in order to feel we are acceptable. We all want to belong, so we learn the rules and believe what we’re told by those we look to within the church, because we don’t know what we don’t know. The foundations of our faith are laid in those early days, so if we never question or examine what we are learning or why, how can we be sure whether it is a good and safe foundation or not? 

And that is the reason it’s so important to me that people think for themselves and examine what they are being asked to believe. It’s important that we test and weigh whatever Christian teachings we hear against what the Word of God says, because faith comes by hearing (Romans 10:17). If we fail to think for ourselves and verify what we are being asked to believe, then our faith and perspective can become just an echo or a shadow of someone else’s beliefs. An echo or a shadow has no real substance of it’s own. An echo does not generate sound, it just repeats it. A shadow is a colourless, indistinct and sometimes distorted outline of the true. If all we can offer are echoes and shadows, then what substance will there be to draw upon in times of challenge?

It might be easy for anyone reading this to imagine that my views and opinions are based on hurt feelings in order to dismiss what I’m saying, especially if it’s uncomfortable or disquieting. Please understand that I used the difficulties of that experience to grow as a believer by exercising the only power I had – the power of choice. I chose to believe that God is faithful. I chose to forgive injustice and betrayals rather than nurse my wounds and become bitter. And I chose to learn and grow from the experience. Be assured that although it was a painful experience at the time, God brought me through it and I am grateful to now have beautiful scars. Those scars help me remember what I learned from that experience, and remind me to do whatever I can to not let that happen to anyone else. And if it does, or has happened, then I can at least let others know that they are not alone, and that there is hope. God worked all things together for good in me, and will do so for any one of us in order to help us become a living testimony of hope that others can read.

P.S. In case you’re wondering why I picked a picture of daffodils for this post, apparently in the language of flowers, they are a flower of hope that represents resilience, optimism, and the ability to overcome adversity. They symbolize growth and renewal, reminding us there is always the potential for growth and change, even amid hardship.

The Flower of Hope: Symbolizing Resilience and Optimism